#11: The Five Resets Every Woman Needs to Get Her Life Back

Intro & Music: 0:06

Welcome and get ready to embark on the journey of a lifetime with your host, Kamara, motivational speaker and certified professional life coach for women. With over 20 years of experience as a life coach, healthcare executive, and mother of two, Kamara shares her own story while providing expert insights and building self-confidence and resilience, while overcoming fears and breaking down self-defeating mindsets. Subscribe now to Kamara Speaks and begin your journey of transformation to becoming the woman you want to be and living the life you want and deserve.

Kamara: 0:52

Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to another episode of Kamara Speaks, and I am your host, Kamara, certified professional life coach for women, keynote speaker, podcaster, healthcare professional, mom of two, and the woman who's going to tell you the truth whether you want to hear it or not, and whether you want to accept it or not. But I'm going to tell you the truth in a way that I hope changes the way you see yourself for the rest of the week, for the rest of the year, and hopefully for the rest of your life. We're going to talk about practical tools and strategies that you can put in place so that you can think differently, act differently, and approach life differently. And why am I doing this? I'm doing it because I had to do it for myself at one point in time. I'm doing it because I know what it feels to run on empty. I know what it feels like to wake up in the morning and wonder, what am I doing with my life? Some days you wake up and you feel charged and energized and you're ready to go full force forward. And some days you wake up and you just don't understand what you've done and where you're going. And you're just going through the motions. And some days you feel empty, and some days you feel tired, and some days you feel weak, and some days you're just not sure at all. You're just questioning everything and you feel confused. So I am here to tell you that you are human and you are normal. And you're exhibiting signs and symptoms that mean that you are still living because you're questioning things and you still have a feeling and an emotion that's coming out during these times. But I'm also here to say that you can feel differently, and you can wake up in the morning and approach life differently every single day. Because I try to tell myself and I tell my friends and my family and the women that I coach that you get a second chance every day you wake up. Every single day that you're able to pick your head up off the pillow, you have a choice and you have a chance to do things differently, no matter what it is. So I'm here to give you today five resets that I think every woman needs to get her life back on track. They're resets that I have used in the past in my own life, the resets I've gotten from coaches, and they're resets the five that I feel are most important, and the ones that will shift your mindset and the way you think so that when you move forward, you will think differently about yourself and where you're going and where you've been. So take it seriously, grab a pen, grab the cup of coffee, not the wine today, coffee or water. And make sure you're ready to jot stuff down, or if you're in your car, grab the recorder because you're not going to want to miss these five resets. They're really important and they're going to make an impactful difference in your life. So let's get to it. Okay, before we actually get there, let's talk about why you're running on empty. Let's talk about why you feel this way before we even talk about the resets. And I want to make sure you understand how you got here because knowing and understanding knowledge is power. And if you don't understand the pattern, you'll just keep repeating it. So here's what happened. At some point in your life, maybe in your twenties or thirties, maybe when you became a mother, maybe when you got into that relationship that was serious, maybe when you stepped into that leadership role on your job, or even when you made an unconscious agreement with yourself that you were going to approach life in a certain way. And that agreement was I will take care of everything and everyone. I will handle it, I will figure it out, figure it out, and I will figure out how to do it all and worry about myself later. And later never came. Because it doesn't come. We have to make time. You can't say later. There's always one more thing to do, one more deadline, one more school event, one more crisis, one more task, one more chore, one more person that needed something from you or needed to get something by you or something you needed to do. And it's because you're capable and you're responsible. And I understand that these things are important and that we have things that we have to take care of because they are our responsibilities, but we still get a choice. So those of you that say, Well, I have to work, I have to take care of the kids. And I technically agree with you, but not really. You don't have to. You take the responsibility seriously, so you want to, but you don't have to. There are parents that don't. And there are people that don't hold down jobs, and there are people that aren't responsible. So just know that when you're handling everything, it is a choice that you're making to do so. And when you don't take care of yourself, that's also you making a choice not to do so. So let's change that. Let's talk about five resets that you can work on that will change the way you think and feel and treat yourself. So it will change the way you approach life and the things that you do differently. Okay? Ready? Let's go. Reset number one is the identity reset. It's the most important one, and it's the one that most women will skip because it doesn't feel productive. But I'm here to tell you that it is, and everything else falls apart without it. So the identity reset is about answering one question. Who are you when you're not performing a role? Not performing a role. And think about this seriously, because you may struggle. Right now, if I asked you to tell me who you are, most of you are going to list the roles in your life. Because that's what I did. You're gonna say I'm a mother, I'm a wife, I'm a manager, I'm a caregiver. Those things that you do and people you take care of, but they're not who you are. Who are you underneath all of that? What are your actual values? Not the ones you inherited from your family or your church or your culture, but the ones that live in your gut, in your heart. What makes you laugh, really laugh? What makes you feel alive? What did you used to love doing before life got so full of responsibilities that you stopped doing things just because you enjoyed them? Most women I coach can't even answer these questions. I couldn't at one point in time. And that's not because they're shallow or because they can't think straight or because they're just so busy or they're just so responsible. No, it's it's because they've been so focused on everyone else's needs that they've ignored their own. And they've been so focused on everyone else that to them, they've lost access to who they truly are. So here's what I want you to do, and write this down because this is one of those things that you want to say for future reference. The identity reset exercise is called the quote unquote I am list. And you are going to set a timer for 10 minutes or just take some time. And if you're in the car, just think about it. Pause the podcast and think out loud, and later on you can write it down. But I want you to take 10 minutes and write down or think of as many I am statements as you can. But here's the rule none of them can be a role. You cannot write I am a mother. You cannot write I am a manager. You cannot write I am a student. Every statement has to describe who you are at your core. For example, I am creative. I am beautiful. I am someone who values honesty. I am someone who loves to dance when no one's watching. I am someone who feels alive near the ocean. I am someone who is brave even when I don't feel like being so. I am someone who loves to sing in my car on the way to work. And just so you know, that is me. I do love to sing in the car on the way to work. And if you struggle with this and you can't come up with a lot of I am statements, just sit there for a little while longer. It's your wake up call. That means it's just a signal to you that's saying, I've been so far away from myself that I don't even know who I am anymore. But you are still in there. And that's exactly why this exercise is so crucial and why it's the foundation for the others, is because that's what you have to get to the bottom of. You've got to figure out who you are. So take some time, pause the podcast, think about those I am statements, and then come back. And we're going to tackle reset number two. Okay, welcome back, and let's move on to reset number two. This one is called the thinking reset. And this one changes everything because it changes the voice in your head. And that voice, ladies, she's been running the show. This reset is about identifying and interrupting the thought patterns that keep you stuck where you are. And what m what most women actually don't realize is that the reason you feel stuck isn't because of your circumstances, it's because of the story you're telling yourself about your circumstances. You're not exhausted just because you have a lot on your plate. You're exhausted because underneath all of that, there's a narrative that's running on repeat in your head, and it's saying you have to do it all. You don't have time to slow down. You don't have time to ask for help, and if you slow down, everything's gonna fall apart. You're not allowed to slow down, you're not allowed to want other things because you need to handle what you need to handle and do everything you need to do. And that narrative isn't the truth. They're lies, ladies, lies. It's a belief system you built, or more accurately, one that was built for you a long time ago. And it's running your life like an operating system that you never agreed to install. So the thinking reset here is about catching those thoughts in real time and challenging them. So here's the framework. And once again, you can write this down, or if you're in your car, just listen, you can come back and write it down later. This one is called catch, challenge, choose method. It's the three C's. Catch, challenge, choose. So here it is. Catch the thought. When you catch the thought, and when you notice yourself feeling guilty, anxious, resentful, or overwhelmed, pause and ask, what did I just tell myself? Get specific. I just told myself I'm selfish for wanting an hour alone. I just told myself that if I say no, people will think I don't care. Name it. Catch the thought and name it. The second C challenge. Challenge the thought. Ask yourself, is this actually true? Or is this a pattern? Most of the time the thought crumbles under examination. You're not selfish for wanting time alone. That's a human need. You won't lose everyone's respect if you say no to one thing. That's just a fear, and it's not a fact. So challenge those thoughts, ladies. And the third C is choose. Choose a replacement. Consciously decide what you're going to believe instead of the thought, instead of the lie. And not some made up affirmation that you don't really believe or you're just saying to yourself to go through the motions. A real, true, grounded truth. Like I'm allowed to rest without earning it. I've worked hard and deserve this. Saying no to this is saying yes to myself. And I don't have to be everything to everyone to be valuable or important. So catch, challenge, choose. If you did this three times a day for the next thirty days, your entire internal landscape will shift. And that's not an exaggeration, ladies, because I've done it. It's how powerful your thoughts are, and that's how powerful you are when you take control of them. The boundaries reset. Reset number three is one that everyone talks about but very few people will actually do, because it's uncomfortable. And I'm going to tell you why it's uncomfortable so that you stop avoiding it. The boundaries reset is about learning to protect your energy the way you protect your time, your money, and your children, with intention and without apology. Here's why boundaries feel so hard for women specifically. We were raised to be accommodating, agreeable, easy to be around, and somewhere in that conditioning we internalized the idea that having boundaries makes us difficult, or I don't know, uh picky. That saying no makes us mean or undesirable or just disagreeable, that putting ourselves first makes us selfish. So instead of setting boundaries, we set resentments. We say yes when we mean no, and then we're angry about it for three days later. We let people cross lines we never drew, and then we blame them for not respecting limits that we had in our head and limits that they didn't even know existed. We overextend and then crash, and then do it all over again the following week. And the cycle ends today with this reset. So here's what I want you to write down or make a note of. This is the boundary blueprint. Three questions you ask yourself before you say yes to anything for the next thirty days. Got it, ladies? A month. You can do it. Just one month to change and break a pattern. The three questions you ask yourself before you say yes to anything. Number one, do I actually want to do this? Or do I feel obligated? If the answer is obligation, that's not a yes, ladies. That's a guilt response. That's a I feel I'm responsible and I have to do this. But you always have a choice. Guilt is never a good reason to give away your time or your energy. So just think about that question to yourself when you ask beforehand, when you're thinking of something. Think about it truthfully and then use that answer to try to guide what you do next. Question number two If I say yes to this, what am I saying no to? Now this one's tricky because it's gonna har it's gonna be hard for you to think about what you're actually saying no to because you normally don't think about it, because you suppress it and you're so conditioned to not think about yourself. So because every yes has a cost, you're not really thinking about the cost, you're just thinking about what you've agreed to. But if you say yes to staying late at work, you're saying no to dinner with your kids, maybe. If you say yes to hosting a family event, you're saying no to getting the rest or relaxation that you desperately need or deserve after a long week. So make the trade off visible so that you can make it consciously and think about what you're saying no to before you say that yes. And question number three is, will I resent this later? And be honest with yourself, ladies. Because I used to think to myself that I wouldn't resent something because I think I'm a better person than that, and that I'm not when I'm giving of myself, that's giving to other people and it's not being selfish, but you know what? It's not being honest. Because when I say yes and I really mean no, I do resent it later. And a lot of times you will too. This is the truth serum. If the answer is yes, to that you will resent it later, if you already know you're going to be frustrated or exhausted, or even just a little bitter about what you're saying yes to, then the boundary has already spoken. Your only job then is to honor it. So those three questions before every yes for the next thirty days. And trust me, you will be a different woman by the end of it. Reset number four. This one's called the priorities reset, and this one is very practical. It's about organization, and it's going to relieve a weight that you didn't even realize you were carrying. The priorities reset is about getting honest about what actually matters and letting go of everything else that doesn't. And here's what I have encountered and figured out in talking to many, many women over many years is that she and all of us, including myself, have a long to do list. A to-do list that's a mile long, and everything on it feels urgent. Work deadlines, school forms, grocery shopping, doctor's appointments, birthday party planning, the house cleaning, the laundry, the emails, the follow-ups, the favors, the events, everything that she's agreed to, everything that's on her calendar, everything that's on the family's calendar, and sometimes the friends' calendars and the extended family calendars and the coworker calendars. And she's trying to do it all, and all of it at the same level of excellence, the same level of care and attention, and she's doing it every single day. And that's not ambition, that's a trap. Because everything is a priority, and when everything is, nothing is. I'll say it again. When everything is a priority, nothing is a priority, and you end up spending your best energy on things that don't actually move your life forward. While the things that matter most to you actually keep getting pushed off to another time or someday or later. So this exercise, I kind of call it a life audit in four buckets. And although it's the priorities reset, think about it as life in four buckets. You take everything on your plate right now, and I mean everything, and you're going to sort them into four buckets, four categories. Ready? Bucket number one only I can do this. So when you look at your list and you put things in this bucket, these are the things that genuinely require you. Showing up for the kids emotionally, making decisions about your own career, taking care of your health, your personal growth, your relationship with yourself. Those are the things that only you can do. Bucket number two someone else can do this. These are the things you've been holding on to because you think no one else can or no one else will do them right or responsibly. That's not true. Delegate them, ladies. Ask for help, hire it out if you can, let go of perfectionism. It doesn't have to be you. And it all doesn't have to be done your way. That's you st that's just you trying to stay and be in control. It just has to get done. It doesn't have to be you. So bucket number two, someone else can do it, delegate it. Bucket number three. This doesn't actually need to be done right now. I know, we want to do everything right now, but there are some things that actually aren't urgent and can wait. They can wait a week. Some of them can wait a month. Give yourself permission to table those things to the side without feeling guilty. And bucket number four is this doesn't need to be done at all. These are the obligations, the overcommitments, the promises, the things you said yes to out of guilt or habit that you really shouldn't have. Because you didn't ask yourself those three questions that I talked about earlier. So just cross them off of your to-do list and let them go. Nobody is going to die because you stopped doing something that didn't matter in the first place. Think about it seriously. So four buckets. Only you can do it, someone else can do it, it doesn't need to be done right now, and it doesn't need to be done at all. And when you do this audit, you'll realize something that might actually shock yourself, shock your nervous system into having a conniption. You're actually going to look at your priority list and the things that only you can do that genuinely matter, it's going to be a lot smaller or shorter than you actually thought. And that means you have more space in your life and time than you think. And you're just filling it up with all of the wrong things. Or even if not wrong, maybe wrong's the wrong word. You're filling it up with things that you don't need to. Things that are less important when you actually sit down and think about them. So make sure you do that today, because I know that all of you have a long to-do list. I have one myself. And last but not least is reset number five, the self-worth reset. This last and final reset is the foundation underneath all the others. Without this one, some of the other identity work fades, and the thinking patterns sometimes come back, and the boundaries start to collapse, and the priorities get buried again. So like I said, all of these five resets are important. You have to do them all. And just do them all, like I said, for the next month and you'll see what changes. So the self-worth reset is about making a decision, not having a feeling, but making a clear and conscious decision that you are worth the life that you're trying to build. And you are, ladies, you are worth it. You're worth it to yourself. Because here's what I've learned over the years. Most of the time, the thing standing between a woman and the life she wants isn't information. And it lots of times it isn't time and it isn't money. It's not strategy. It's belief. Belief, ladies, is what's standing in your way. The woman who doesn't believe, who doesn't feel fully believe that she deserves it doesn't get it. She'll build the boundary and then tear it down the first time someone pushes back. Because deep down she's not sure her needs are important enough to protect. She'll identify the toxic thought pattern and then go right back to it. Because also deep down inside that old story, that narrative keeps replaying in her head, and the old story feels safer than the new one. She'll know exactly what she needs to do and still not do it. Because deep down inside she's not convinced that she's worth it, that she's worth the effort. And you're probably thinking it's not worth your time to do these five resets. But what I'm here to tell you is you are worth it. And you should do it because you need it. Because you don't have the belief. And trust me, you don't. Because if you did, you wouldn't need these resets. But you do. The self-worth reset isn't an affirmation like I've talked about. It's a practice. It's what I've been talking about on my earlier podcasts. It's a daily intentional decision to treat yourself like someone who matters, even on the days that you don't feel like it. Even if you wake up feeling disgusting, even if you're exhausted. At the end of the day, if you're tired, if you're sweaty, if you're sleepy, if you're miserable, if you're achy, it doesn't matter. It's probably more important on those days. So here's what that looks like in real life when you think about self-worth. Write this down. Make a note of this. And I call these the five daily non negotiables for self-worth. And you know what non negotiable means, ladies. It means there's no debate. For those of you who are moms, that means when you have to pick up the kids, that's a non negotiable. Because when you're responsible, and I'm sure you are, you go pick up your kids. You have to. So these are the five daily non negotiables for yourself. One, say one kind thing to yourself out loud every morning. Not in your head, out loud. Let your own hear, let your own ears hear your own voice saying something good about you. You'll be surprised how you feel after you do it. Two, make one decision today based on what you need and not what everyone else expects. Three, protect one boundary today, even a small one. Even if it's just saying I need five minutes before I can respond to that. Take advantage of it, protect it and honor it. Four, do one small thing today that's just for you. Not productive, not useful, it could just be enjoyable. It may even seem ridiculous, but do it. Just one thing. Ever h even however small it is. And five, at the end of the day, name one thing you're proud of yourself for, and let it be enough. Whatever that is. Don't add but I don't add, but I should have also. Just let it be enough. Five things every day, and that's how you rebuild your self-worth. Not in a seminar or a class, but a single conversation with yourself. And in the day, in the quiet, relentless practice of treating yourself like you matter, you will start to matter. And you'll become more important to yourself as you move forward. And it makes some of the other resets easier to do. Okay. That's it. Those are my five resets. So let's recap. The five resets. The five resets to reset your framework and your thinking. I'm gonna pull this all together because I want you to be able to come back to this episode with a reference guide, with a pencil, and jot it down. So bookmark this, save it, go to your phone and screenshot it, whatever you want to do. Reset number one is the identity reset. Do the I am list. Remember, reconnect with who you are underneath the roles. Ten minutes, one piece of paper, be radically honest. Reset number two, the thinking reset. Use catch, challenge, choose to interrupt the thought patterns that keep you stuck. Three times a day for thirty days. Reset number three, the boundaries reset. Use the boundary blueprint, the three questions before every yes for the next thirty days. Do I want to? What am I saying no to? Will I resent this later? Reset number four, the priorities reset. Do the life audit, four buckets. Remember, sort everything on your plate on that to-do list into only I can do it, someone else can do it, not right now, not at all. And then act on those things accordingly. And lastly, reset number five, the self-worth reset. Practice the five daily non-negotiables, one kind word, one need-based decision, one protected boundary, one thing just for you, one moment of being proud of yourself. And that's it, ladies. That's the framework. And sometimes it's hard putting all of those resets together, and it may seem like a lot at first to do every single day, even if it's for 30 days. But trust me, it gets easier with time as you practice it, because that's the road map. And even if half of this you're able to do over the next 30 days, I promise you that you will still feel different and you will think different. Your days will be different, and you'll start to shift the way you think about life. So just give it a try. Give it a try because it's really important, because you're important. And making a difference in your life and feeling better in the morning and at the end of the day is important. Trust me, it is. Okay, that's it. That's the recap. And for those of you who think that this is still a lot, that it's a lot of work. And even though I say that it's not, you feel that it is, because maybe you've done something like this in the past, maybe you've read the books, you've listened to other podcasts, you've written the journals, and you're still here searching or trying to figure it out, or you're still stuck. And that's not because the information didn't work. And it's not even because this is new news, because a lot of what I'm saying you might have even heard before. And it's not because you're not capable. It's because the information without the support sometimes only takes you so far. And at some point, you need someone in your corner to help you along the way. And that's where I come in. That's where I come in to help those who aren't able to just go ahead and implement all of these changes in their life easily over the next 30 days. I'm here to help those women who are unable to listen to a podcast or read the book or journal and able to figure it out and move forward to change those patterns of thinking and behavior. I am here to help those professional women, the working moms, the single moms, the widows, whoever you are, wherever you're stuck, whatever it is, we'll figure it out together. And I've created a new program and it's called the Reclaim. It's about reclaiming yourself. The same way we talked today and about the resets. It's a ninety-day private coaching experience and program built for women who want to do these resets. It is built and created for women who want to affect change in their lives. Professional women, working moms, widowed moms, widows, single, it doesn't matter, whoever you are, if you are ready to make change, if you are ready to implement these resets and think and act differently, and change the trajectory of where you're going in your life, so that in five years or three years or next year, you feel differently than you feel today, then this is for you. In those ninety days, you and I will work together one on one. And we take everything that we talked about today and put it into practice. The identity work, the thinking patterns, the boundaries, the priorities, the self-worth, and we apply it to your actual life. The actual life that you're existing and living in today, not a generic framework. So we take everything I talked about today and we go deeper. We go into your marriage, your kids, your career, your habits, your patterns, your behavior, your goals, your plan. And you get six private coaching sessions with me, a personalized roadmap that we build together starting in session number one, and direct access to me between the sessions so that when life gets real and hectic, you know how to figure it out. And a midpoint check-in to track your progress. And a graduation session to lock in the transformation. All of it in ninety days, ladies, to change your life. And it's not magic, ladies, and this isn't smoke in mirrors. It's actually a roadmap, it's a plan, and it's a practice and a journey that we go through to get you there. And trust me, we will impact your life and make change in ninety days. And it starts with a free 30 minute consultation. That's where you and I sit down and talk about where you are, where you want to be, and we figure out if the reclaim is right for you, because that's important too. It's not built for everyone. And that's what we figure out during that call. And that's how important it is. And then how much does it cost for this reclaim to change your life? It's fourteen dollars a day to stop surviving and start living. It's a total of twelve ninety seven, or you can make three payments of four hundred forty nine, and we take it from there. You're locked in then, ladies, for ninety days, and you're stuck with me. And trust me, I do give refunds, but you won't want one. So head over to DiRs and Lipstick dot com and book your thirty minute call with me so that we can figure out if you're ready to take the next step in this journey. No pressure, no pitch, just a real conversation with another woman who gets it. And well listen, regardless of whether you book with me, you book with someone else, you don't even pay attention to what I've said today, I need you to lead this episode knowing at least something. Just know that you're not too far gone no matter what you think, that everything is possible, that change is always possible, that you're never too old to start over or to start anew, and you're not in too deep to build a different one in your life. You're not behind, you're not broken, and you're not too much, and you're not not enough. You're a woman who has been giving everything to everyone else, and today, right now, this week, or this year, you have permission to give something back to yourself and you can do it. And I'll be right here to help you when you're ready. Alright, ladies, I think that's a wrap. Thank you for being here today and for listening to Kamara Speaks. And if this episode moved you, or if you feel it is important, then please share it, like it, subscribe to it, post it, put it on your story, tag me, or just tell another woman about it. Because that's how we affect change, right? That's how we change the lives of not just ourselves, but the women around us and the community and the culture that we're in. One conversation, one podcast, one reset at a time, and everything can change in your life and in hers. So until next time, ladies, you've got this. Five resets and another chance to change your life and the way you feel about it. Alright, have a fabulous week. Thank you for joining me today. I hope you enjoyed this episode, and if so, hit subscribe. Remember to check out Tiara's Lipstick.com for information on my personal coaching services, group classes, and special promotions. And come find me on Facebook or Instagram on Let's Connect. Send me a message, say hi, and let me know if you like this episode. I'd love to hear from you. Until next time, this is Kamara reminding me that's the first one.